


Too Many Thoughts

by lvs2read



Series: Big Damn Story [4]
Category: Firefly
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Firefly Setting, Established Relationship, F/F, Femslash, Gen, Gen Work, M/M, Slash, Trope Subversion/Inversion, old fic is old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:35:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26002024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lvs2read/pseuds/lvs2read
Summary: River's having difficulty controlling her thoughts.Takes place an indeterminate time after the events of "Full Circle"
Relationships: Kaylee Frye/River Tam, Malcolm Reynolds/Simon Tam
Series: Big Damn Story [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1816306
Kudos: 7





	Too Many Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in 2006 and posted to the livejournal community fireflyslash to fill prompt #44 - Trapped in a cave. No one is actually trapped anywhere, thus subverting the trope. Beta'd by vae.
> 
> Edited to replace bǎobèi, and its connotations of ownership, with Qīn'ài de.
> 
> Translations in mouse-over and at the end.

* * *

**Too Many Thoughts**

The silence of ship's night was shattered by screaming from River and Kaylee's room in the passenger dorms.

Simon heard it in the room he shared with Mal at the other end of the ship, and immediately rolled out of bed and punched the comm. "Kaylee? Is everything all right? Is River…?"

"Everythin's fine, Simon. She just had a bad dream," Kaylee answered, sounding distracted.

"I'll be right there."

"No. Don't. We're…" She didn't bother to finish, but turned back to River. Simon was probably halfway to their room by now, and she had more important things to do than try to argue with someone who wasn't listening.

"They're all here! I hear them. Feel them. Not mine. Go away! Make them go away!" River huddled on the bed, knees drawn up to her chest, rocking back and forth, tears flowing down her face.

"Shh, _Qīn'ài de_. It was just a nightmare. You're fine. I'm right here." Kaylee pulled River into her arms, making soothing noises as she hugged her. 

As River finally calmed, there was a knock on the door. River whimpered and whispered, "No needles. No meds. Don't want…"

"It's all right, _Qīn'ài de_. I won't let him. C'm in, Simon." Kaylee sighed in exasperation.

When Simon opened the door, Kaylee noticed that Mal was there as well. However, Mal remained in the doorway as Simon entered, hurrying to River's side, setting his medkit on the floor to brush the hair off her face. " _Mèi mèi_. Are you all right? Can you tell…?" 

"Too many! Not all mine. Can't be ignored. Can't be quantified. No needles!"

"All right. Let me give you a smoother, though." 

"No! No meds. Don't make me sleep!"

"But…"

"No, Simon. Aren't you listenin'? She'll be fine." Kaylee turned to Mal in appeal, "Cap'n, please?"

"What about it, Albatross? You okay?"

"Too many voices. Trapped in my mind. All wanting attention. Can't escape. Won't go away. Need Kaylee, not meds."

"There you go, then, Doc. Sis is fine. Let's go back to bed."

"I'm just going to leave this smoother. In case you change your mind, _mèi mèi_."

"Fine. Just put it over there. It'll be here if she feels she needs it. Please, Simon, just go away. We can talk tomorrow." Kaylee turned away in annoyance from the hurt look on Simon's face. She needed to keep River calm. The captain could deal with Simon. 

\------

Mal draped his arm across Simon's shoulders, pulling him into his side as they left the room. Once in the hallway, he dropped a kiss on the top of Simon's head and whispered, "C'mon, _liànrén_. She really is fine. Stop worryin'."

"I'm trying to. It's not easy, you know." He leaned into Mal's embrace.

"Never said it was. Want I should distract you?"

"Mmm… Distraction's always good." They shared a passionate kiss before heading for their bunk.

***

It took some time for River to ease back into sleep, but Kaylee's calm voice and soothing touch eventually anchored her in the here and now as the melee in her mind subsided and flowed away to be dealt with at a later time.

When they entered the galley for breakfast late the next morning, they found Mal and Simon there as well. 

Simon immediately jumped up, holding a chair for Kaylee and asking, "River? Are you all right?"

Sitting next to Kaylee, in the chair Simon held for her, she said, "Yes, Simon. Am fine. Sorry interrupted everyone's sleep cycle." 

"That's all right, darlin'. Been a while since you had one of your bad spells 'sall. Kinda startled us. You able to get back to sleep?"

"Yeah, Cap'n, we did."

"Needed time to refocus. Needed Kaylee. Not needles." River held Kaylee's hand and gave Simon one of her patented looks.

From his place next to Mal, Simon looked slightly ashamed as he said, "I'm sorry, _mèi mèi_. It's the only thing I know to do to help."

"Understand." River reached across the table and took Simon's hand. "Know my own mind. Know how to focus. Learning to block thoughts. Sometimes too many. Can't focus! Lose my way! Get trapped in my mind!"

"Shh, sweetie, I'm here." Kaylee cupped River's face, making eye contact with her as she continued, "Just breathe, sweetie. That's it. Let it go."

Mal and Simon watched in amazement as River took a deep breath, shuddered as if throwing off a distasteful garment, and visibly relaxed. When she looked back at them she was once again calm and coherent.

"Have better success awake. Asleep, thoughts fly around. Can't control. Too many and get overwhelmed. Happened last night."

"I don't understand. When you can't help but feel everything, how are you able to focus? To block thoughts?" Simon asked.

"Focus on breathing. On walking. Feeling _Serenity_ 's deck. Hearing only her engines. Letting everything else flow away from the river."

Inara had wandered in to make some tea during the conversation. Listening to River describe her focusing technique, she said, "That sounds like meditation."

"Meditation? Thought that was sittin' 'round with your legs in crazy positions, eyes closed, and chantin' some fool sound or 'nother."

"It can be," Inara smiled. "But there are other forms. Concentrating on each breath you take, thinking about when each muscle in your foot touches the floor, listening to only one sound, they're all different ways of meditating. Is that what you're doing, River, honey?" She joined them at the table.

River nodded.

"Does it help?" Inara blew on her tea to cool it.

"Awake, yes. Asleep, no." River shrugged.

"Hmm… There are some advanced techniques that I might be able to teach you, if you'd like."

"What kind of techniques, 'Nara?" Kaylee wanted to know.

"Some might involve those weird positions Mal mentioned." Inara grinned. "I was thinking, though, of some to do just before bed, since you seem to have the most problems at night?"

"Yes. Have tried focusing before bed. Doesn't always work."

"I can't guarantee my methods will work, either, but they might be worth a try. We could also try developing a place to store thoughts. It's not strictly meditation, but it might help - especially when you're feeling overwhelmed."

"Place to trap thoughts? Like a cave? In my mind?" The idea clearly intrigued River.

"Something like that. Would you like to try?"

River and Kaylee exchanged glances then River looked at Simon, "Simon?"

"What? You suddenly need my permission?" River stuck her tongue out at him. He returned the gesture and said, "If you don't want sedatives or smoothers, and what you've been doing so far has helped, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't try the advanced methods. I reserve the right to give you meds, if necessary, though. Clear?" 

"Yes, _gēgē_." River gave a long-suffering sigh then turned to Inara. "When can we start?"

Inara chuckled at River's enthusiasm and said, "Why don't you and Kaylee come to my shuttle this evening after supper. If that's all right with you, Mal?"

"Hey, I'm all for anythin' that provides me with nights uninterrupted by screamin' banshees." He grinned at the table at large.

"Hey! That's my sister you're talking about!"

"Exactly. Don't need our nighttime activities interrupted by lil' sis." He winked at Simon, who blushed as they all burst out laughing.

* * *

_Qīn'ài de_ = Sweetie  
_Mèi mèi_ = Little Sister  
_Liànrén_ = Lover  
_Gēgē_ = Brother


End file.
